“I Should Be Able to Handle This”: Why Men Put Off Counselling

“I should be able to handle this.” Explore why that belief can keep men from seeking support, and what a manageable first step could look like.

You have been more irritable lately. Sleep is patchy. Work follows you home, even when the laptop stays shut. Someone asks how you are, and you say, “Good. Just busy.”

You have considered talking to someone. Then the objections arrive.

Other people have it worse. I wouldn’t know what to say. I should be able to handle this myself.

If that sounds familiar, there is a useful question to ask: what would have to happen before you felt allowed to get some support?

For some men, the answer is that things would have to become much worse. Counselling can begin well before that point.

How this connects with New Zealand’s men’s mental health crisis

The concern about men’s mental health in Aotearoa is grounded in a serious disparity. Health New Zealand’s provisional figures for the year ended June 2026 recorded 602 suspected self-inflicted deaths, including 457 males. That is approximately three-quarters of the total. The male rate was 15.8 per 100,000, compared with 5.1 for females. These are suspected deaths, subject to coronial findings, rather than a final count of confirmed suicides. Source 1

Behind those figures are people, families, whānau and communities. But statistics alone cannot explain why any individual dies, and a reluctance to talk is not a complete explanation for suicide. Mental health, relationships, social circumstances and access to appropriate care all deserve attention.

The wider crisis gives us a reason to make support easier to access earlier. You do not need to be suicidal, have a diagnosis or reach breaking point before your wellbeing deserves care.

For a broader discussion of signs and support, read Men’s Mental Health in New Zealand: When It Is Time to Talk.

When self-reliance becomes a rule you cannot bend

Being dependable, persistent and capable can serve you well. The difficulty comes when independence becomes a requirement to manage every problem alone.

A 2025 systematic review of 47 studies identified expectations around toughness, emotional restraint and self-reliance as barriers to seeking mental health support. Men’s experiences varied across settings and cultures; there is no single way that all men think or cope. Source 2

You might recognise a rule such as:

• “I’m supposed to be the one other people lean on.”
• “If I admit I’m struggling, people will lose respect for me.”
• “I should be able to figure this out.”
• “Once work settles down, I’ll be fine.”

Consider the last one. It may be true that work is unusually demanding. It is also worth asking how long you have been waiting for life to settle down, and what that waiting is costing you.

You can value independence while deciding that a particular problem would be easier to work through with support.

“Other people have it worse”

Perhaps you have a job, a home and people who care about you. Feeling anxious or flat can then bring a second layer of distress: guilt for feeling that way at all.

Gratitude and difficulty can exist together. Having good things in your life does not make exhaustion, loneliness or low self-worth disappear.

Instead of deciding whether your problems are serious enough compared with somebody else’s, consider their effect on your life. Are you avoiding things that matter? Is your temper affecting people around you? Do you feel present in your own life, or mainly occupied with getting through it?

Those are worthwhile reasons to seek support.

The barriers are bigger than “men won’t talk”

Encouraging men to open up is only useful if there is somewhere accessible and respectful for them to go.

A 2023 scoping review of 45 studies identified barriers involving masculine expectations, social behaviour, and services and therapists themselves. These included concerns about judgement, uncertainty about therapy, and practical pressures such as time and money. Source 3

New Zealand’s Health Research Council also identifies poverty, unemployment and services that do not adequately meet men’s needs as issues being investigated in local research. Source 4

If counselling has felt unaffordable, unfamiliar or unhelpful before, that deserves to be taken seriously. A useful first conversation can include questions about cost, availability, approach and what you would want to get out of sessions.

There is room to say, “I tried this before and didn’t feel understood.”

You do not need to arrive knowing how to talk about feelings

One obstacle can be the idea that you must already understand yourself before seeing a counsellor.

You can begin with something concrete:

“I keep snapping at people.”

“I can’t stop thinking about work.”

“I’m doing everything I’m supposed to, but I don’t feel good.”

“My partner thinks I need help. I’m not sure what I think.”

These are starting points. We can explore what happens, when it happens, what you have tried and what you would like to change. You can also say when a question feels difficult or an approach does not fit.

There is no requirement to tell your whole life story in the first appointment.

What individual counselling can involve

At Four Pillars Counselling, individual work is collaborative and shaped around your circumstances. You might want practical ways to handle worry, understand a recurring reaction, rebuild confidence or make a decision you have been avoiding.

Depending on what fits, we may use approaches such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to examine patterns in thinking and behaviour, or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to explore how you respond to difficult thoughts and move towards what matters to you.

For example, a starting goal might be to notice stress earlier and respond before a difficult workday becomes an evening of withdrawal or arguments. Another might be learning to make decisions without spending hours seeking certainty.

We can discuss the purpose of the work, review whether it is helping and adjust the approach. You can ask about confidentiality and its limits before deciding what to share.

A manageable first step

If you have been putting this off, choose one step you can take:

• Tell someone you trust, “I’ve been finding things harder than I’ve let on.”
• Write down what has changed and what you want help with.
• Ask your GP about changes in mood, sleep, energy or alcohol use, and what support is available.
• Contact a counsellor with a question about how sessions work.

You do not need to commit to an entire course of counselling to make an enquiry.

Jonathan Kirk offers individual counselling in Howick and online counselling across New Zealand, including support with anxiety, stress, self-esteem, identity and men’s mental health.

If “I should be able to handle this” has been keeping you stuck, you are welcome to contact Jonathan. You can start with what is happening now, even if you are unsure what you need.

If you need urgent help

If you are thinking about suicide or feel unable to keep yourself safe, seek urgent help rather than waiting for a counselling appointment. In New Zealand, call 111 if there is immediate danger, or go to the nearest emergency department. If possible, let someone you trust know and ask them to stay with you while you get support. Four Pillars Counselling is not a crisis service.